Living With Alcoholism In A Marriage

When I met and started to date my husband I realized shortly after that he was a really bad alcoholic. At that point he was really bad. When he asked me to marry him, I said that I would… but I would not be married to an alcoholic. I was raised in a house with drunk parents, and I wanted better for my kids ( I had 2 boys at that point). He wanted to be with me so he stopped drinking. We got married, had a daughter, went through years of being married without him drinking. Then about 6 months ago he started again. At first it was social so I didn’t mind much. But I explained to him That I would leave with the children if it got to the point it use to be. Then about 2 months ago, it started every day. Some days its only a few beers after work, and then some days its 18 beers after work. The thing is, He still gets up, he still goes to work, still is a good husband and father. So is it fair to him for this to bother me? As long as he is still doing everything that needs to be done, should I just let it go? It just scares me because he was HORRIBLE before we got married, and I am scared to death that this is going to happen again. He tells me it wont, but I cant help my fears. I refuse to let my children be around it. But as I said, at this point it effects nothing, I have no idea what to do?

Edit: He was drinking every day like a 30 pack and a fifth. At one point in time he was living on his friends couch. Then him and I got together and I told him I wouldnt be with him. He changed for SOOOO long. I dont mind a social drinker, but can you be a social drinker if you use to be an alcoholic? From what I see you cant be both. He has slipped a few other times. But it was a one day thing, he realized what he did and stopped. I feel like I am being unfair because he is still being a husband and father. Infact, he may be better with the kids now. I dont know anymore… advice?
it started with him thinking he could have a beer if we went out to dinner. as I said, it started as a social thing.

I dont deny it, I know its a problem. If I didnt know, I wouldnt have asked. The fact is getting him to see it as a problem, when it affects nothing in his life, that he can see.

Well… You were planning for the future in the beginning, but only for somewhere between 5-10 years ahead. Now because he thinks that time is approaching its end, or has gone by, he feels like he wants to drink again. I would be more concerned with his health, because of this habit, more than his "ability" to cope with it. That much alcohol, and constantly pushing to be at his normal amount of capability, will only last for a short time. What happens when he crashes and burns? Your left out cold. And don’t buy into that crap about "I won’t let it get that way!" That’s why your around. To make sure it never even comes close to that!

My point is, now, that you need to plan for the future… again…

Only this time, you know he can change, since he’s done it before. Be firm and aggressive with him, to let him know that he needs to stop. It can be a slow digression, or an all out abrupt stop, whichever works peacefully; but it needs to stop. I have plenty of friends whose fathers had the same problems, and I can just imagine when your child finally reaches that day. The day when they ask "Why is daddy so drunk all the time?" And you have no answer worth giving…

Don’t be ashamed of the problem, or feel bad about it happening. He married you, it seems like, because you make him want to be a better person. You just need to make him realize that again, and that he has lost touch of it lately…

Best of luck to you!

If you are a Yahoo Addict with a spouse not into it , would it be good to have a support group for them ?
Like Alanon for alcoholics , Yahoo can have YahooaNon , lol ?
Happy Weds All . D
Edit : You guys are hilarous !!!! thanks for the smiles !!!!

Hello! My name is ????????, and I’m a YahooQuAholic. Please help my wife. She misses me, but she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t understand why I won’t give her some computer time occasionally. She just doesn’t understand the high I get. We who are gathered here know that our addiction is incurable, but is basically nonviolent. If we can just get our non-addicted spouses into Y!A therapy, maybe at least they can understand us a little.

I need find some info. for a class. I’m talking about scholary journals or brochures something that has been documented. Thanks.

Take in the book called;
Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie

Wikipedia the title and you can see that it is a VERY helpful book for families. Addiction affects everyone that surrounds a person using.
Unfortunately it is often true that drug and alcohol dependent users feel the affects of their family’s coping mechanisms long after their own recovery has been underway. Very often the recovering addict has to resign himself to the fact that he may very well be the example for his or her children, nieces and nephews and never regain family trust. EVEN if the addict never stole, or physically threatened anyone, the emotional scars can go deeper.

Ultimately, THIS is why you shouldn’t do drugs.

and in that time period, how many times has your alcoholic spouse cheated on you? I’ve been w/ an alcoholic wife, and I can’t handle it much longer.

I was with my alcoholic husband for 17 years before myself and our children walked out in just the clothes we stood up in. We never went back either. Best thing we ever did – my only regret is that I didn’t do it many years before.

To my knowledge he never cheated on me with another woman but in our relationship I guess the pub was "the other woman"! He went to the pub 365 lunchtimes every year and 364 nights a year – the only night he stayed in with us was Christmas Day evening and even then he made our lives miserable by not allowing us to watch what we wanted. If he was having a bad time we all had a bad time.

You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. All you can do is to walk away and get on with your own life. Leave whilst you still have some self respect left. Leave and don’t ever look back. Best of luck.

Strange story…I dated this guy I’m seeing now almost 6 years ago. Timing and life positions drew us apart, however, he has been the love of my life. I have been dating him now, again, for the last year and the feelings are there for both of us, however, he has told me recently that he is an alcoholic. It does run in his family. He isn’t aggressive or an angry drinker, just drinks most days after work and will often drink by himself. He says he likes to drink, it helps with his stresses in life which are many. (I’m not one of them thank goodness) and he doesn’t want to stop at this time.
This does not sit well with me and I have NO understanding of this disease or have had any other people in my life with it.
I would like to get input from others who have been in this situation and anything you can add would be great.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that he will change or that you can magically change him.

An alcoholic, who sees no problems with heavy drinking, is probably not the best person to be around. The physical, emotional, legal, and financial damage that alcoholics can do to their families is enormous.

Do you have or want to have kids? Do you want your children to have a Dad who is drunk or semi-comatose daily? Do you want a drunk driving your kids?

There are millions of potential mates for you in the world. Try to find one that can walk a strait line without staggering. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need a wake-up call and your boyfriend may eventually need a liver transplant.

Actually both their spouses died 11 days apart. Her new husband worked for a chemical company. Yes, I notified the police. She’s a high ranking Elks official. She’s my mother. It has been almost two years & I am still appalled. I also think it is terribly disrespectful for the deceased (like Tammy Faye Baker). I don’t speak to my mother & I don’t know my new stepfather. I couldn’t believe my mother would do that. I expected her to enjoy herself & be single awhile. She’s rich too. Her previous relationships were nothing short of horrible. Both abusive alcoholics. I still see her in the Elks newsletter online…

It sounds really fishy to me. I would have called the police too. Stay out of it incase something happens to you

..and what exactly is the definition of alcoholism? Sensible answers please

Alcoholism tends to run in families, and genetic factors partially explain this pattern. Currently, researchers are on the way to finding the genes that influence vulnerability to alcoholism. A person’s environment, such as the influence of friends, stress levels, and the ease of obtaining alcohol, also may influence drinking and the development of alcoholism. Still other factors, such as social support, may help to protect even high-risk people from alcohol problems.
Risk, however, is not destiny. A child of an alcoholic parent will not automatically develop alcoholism. A person with no family history of alcoholism can become alcohol dependent.

Alcoholism is the consumption of or preoccupation with alcoholic beverages to the extent that this behavior interferes with the alcoholic’s normal personal, family, social, or work life.

My husband turned into a binge drinker, it started 3 years ago when he lost his job. He now has his own business. I do go to Alnon meetings. At least once a week. I am 47 years old, not in to bad of shape. I work and have friends. I live on the East cost, my only child lives in the West. I just think I am afraid of living by myself. I live in a two family house. My mom lives in her own apartment downstairs. His drinking is causing me so much aniexty, I hate his behavior when he is drunk. He can’t stay sober for more then 2 to 3 weeks. I tried talking to him, writing letter, crying, etc…. of course we fight which doesn’t help the problem. I just wish I had the courage to get my ass to the lawyer and start separation If it was another women it would have been over. If G-d takes him at least it is over.

I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years. . .I’m 48 and have a full time job. If he has no plans to quit drinking, leave him. I am SOOOO happy to be without the anger and pain of being married to an alcoholic. You won’t be that alone. . your mother is downstairs. You’ll probably have even more friends once he’s out of your life. I withdrew from friends because of my ex.

Get out now! Don’t talk/think about him not living any longer – focus on your LIFE and LIVING it. Take care of yourself. . . life is too short.

You’ll probably be in better "shape" when you leave him. I lost 20 pounds, blood pressure went down and people tell me I look 10 years younger now!

Good luck!