What should I do? I live with a verbally abusive spouse and alcoholic. He refuses to quit drinking.?
living with an alcoholic wife July 5th, 2009we’ve been married 14yrs and he has always been verbally abusive. He used to drink a case of beer/day but has cut down. We’ve seen counselor and she told him what needed to be done to save marriage but he refuses to listen to her and says that he is this way because of me, that i am not a loving wife. I have filed for divorce and now he says that he will try to change only if i change. He now drinks about 6-10beers/day and has slowed down on the verbal abuse. He says he will not quit drinking because he like to hang with friends after work. I still cannot go anywhere without the 50 questions and who am I with. I don’t go anywhere without my 10 yr old daughter. I have lost alot of friends because i can’t go anywhere. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but what will our life be like? He can be very agressive but has not been physical with me. I don’t know if he can truly change completely or if he is just telling me this to keep me.
"What should I do?"……….Leave him!!
July 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I’ve been there but I only tolerated 4 years of it – which was one day TOO many!
If you do not live with lifelong abuse, you will likely live with a man who is dying from liver damage…
I would move on. If he does not care about himself, he is not going to care about anyone else.
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July 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
"What should I do?"……….Leave him!!
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July 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
don’t try to hold onto something that isn’t making you happy. most likely he will not change. 14 years is a long time I suggest you get out now before you waste another second with him.
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July 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
listen hun, that horrible man is never going to change, NEVER. if you want to have a happy life and if you wnat your daughter to be happy, i suggets you leave him now. But if you stay with this man, both you and your daughter are going to suffer terribly for the rest of your lives. That verbal abuse will eventually lead to physical abuse, so stop it happening by divorcing him.
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experience
July 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
You need to get away from him for awhile. I lived with a verbally abusive spouse for 9 years and the only thing that spoke to him was when we separated for awhile. He realized I wasn’t going to take the abuse any longer and your husband needs the same wake up call. This is not your fault; he has to deal with his anger. I know what it feel like to think you can’t do anything right or he wouldn’t be so angry at you. Force him to choose. Right now he has no motivation to change.
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July 5th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
leave his ass !! get him arrested!!!
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July 5th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
If you don’t care about yourself, put yourself in your daughters position? How do you think she feels living in amongst this? You are teaching her how to expect to be treated when she meets a man. Even if you have no self respect, help her to have some.
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July 5th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
He obviously does not want to make the changes he needs to make to save your relationship. He does what he wants, yet has limited what you can do in your life. Do you want to live your life with a "very aggressive" person who has "slowed down on the verbal abuse", where you "cannot go anywhere without the 50 questions" and made you "lose a lot of friends"? What kind of life is this? What are you teaching your daughter about what to expect in a relationship and about self-respect? At the very least, you need to move out and have a trial separation, then if he doesn’t get into treatment, divorce him. If he does get into treatment, don’t go back after two weeks and an "I’ve changed my ways", because anyone can change for the short-term, it is a permanent change you and your daughter want and deserve.
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July 5th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Leave. You are his last priority regardless what comes out of his mouth. His actions don’t back it up. You deserve someone who is in a marriage with you, not someone who takes you for granted and puts drinking with his buddies after work over his marriage. Allowing him to treat you like this is setting a bad example for your daughter.
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my father is a drunk
July 5th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
you filed for divorce for a reason. he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions a reason. you clearly dont want this life for yourself. get off the fence.
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July 5th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
i was in a relationship like this one a long time ago. now im getting married, but he drinks alot and tells me the same things. he is not gonna quit drinking even if i do try and change. he tells me i need to lose weight and sometimes makes me cry. i was scared that one day because of who he is that he will become abusive physically. because of who he is i jus couldnt see myself getting married to someone who thinks critizing me will make me better, so you know wat i did? i left, before it got worse. if i were you i would think about this for a while. if he is not willing to change his habits, its only gonna get worse. but before it does get worse, you should leave.
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July 5th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
How much more are you prepared to take? There is no mention of love or respect on either side so I really can’t see the point in prolonging the agony.
Your daughter will learn her expectations of men and relationships from watching you two- how would you feel if she chose a man like your husband? She will end up despising or pitying you for not being strong enough to leave a man who clearly just wants you to stay so that he has someone else to blame for his alcoholism. He won’t change- he hasn’t lost enough yet.
Maybe you could get some more counselling- on your own- to boost your self-esteem. It would help you see that you and your daughter are worth so much more than your husband is offering. Good luck x
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July 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
After 14 years, I doubt that he will do any serious changing. No one ever really can change for another person. I would make a list of all the ‘pros’ and all the ‘cons’ you can think of about your marriage. Read it very carefully and if the cons outnumber the pros, you should consider going through with the divorce.
Even more importantly, how do you feel day to day – even minute to minute during your day? Are you tense & worried about your marriage, or are you generally content & in a good mood? Are the bad parts only when you’re around your husband? If you’ve lost friends because of him, don’t you miss them? It sounds like a very miserable situation for you. And it sounds like you need a divorce – you deserve better treatment, & your daughter deserves a better example of how a husband should treat his wife.
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July 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Tammy,
I was in your situation. The only difference was that it was only 8 years of marriage for me and I did not have any children.
I know exactly what you’re experiencing. He may have "cut down" on his drinking, but you know from experience this is only temporary. My ex did the same thing until he felt the situation had calmed down again and I was "over it".
The problem with an alcoholic is that he/she will not change unless he wants to. Everyone has their point where they will realize they need to change. He is not at this point, even at the thought of losing his wife and child.
He’s trying to test you and see if you were serious about the divorce. Prove to him that you are. You have gotten to the point of making a decision to not put up with this situation any more and divorcing him. If you back down on this, he will never believe you again.
Please know you have done all you can in this situation and none of this is your fault. The owness here is on him now, not you. There is hope and recovery for you.
Good luck.
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Divorced from an abusive alcoholic husband.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Neither an abuser nor an alcoholic is going to change until HE sees the need to change, and as long as he sees you as the problem he’s not going to have any incentive. Who cares if HE wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU? Unless YOU decide this is how you want to spend the rest of your life (knowing full well that both abusers and alcoholics normally get worse over time, that your children are going to learn that this is how relationships are supposed to be, that this is how people who love each other treat each other, etc.), it’s time to go.
BTW, individuals with both of these problems bolster their denial by blaming others, convince others’ to co-dependency by putting the burden on them, and are great manipulators.
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July 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
You look like youve done all you can to try to make the marriage work.You ex-husband is a drunk when that happens they say stuff like your not loving and you need to change.Just to make you feel guilty,but is really him that has the problem.he really doesnt wan to admit it to himself.You need to leave and take your 10 year old daughter with you.you dont want your daughter to be around this, children pick up every little thing.Leaving him is the best thing to do,you did your part already. when he starts to see that you have actually left him he will start saying all this stuff like ive changed and all that,dont fall for it.
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July 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
hi there,
woooow we are in a same boat. We been married for 14 and have two adorable kids with him. He likes to drink drink and drink. that’s his life. I don’t know how and why i am still with him? What you need to do is to change your self and think about yourself and your daughter how and what you will be 5 years from now. I can assure you that he will not change. He thinks of himself only. You need to draw a line means don’t wait till emotional abuse become physical abuse. and believe me if you don’t make yourself strong, independant and respect yourself…you will go down and down and one day you will be lost like i am right now and will not be able to make any choice. you’ll be confuse the longer you stay with him. Also, it is all up to you on what are your values? your daughter without father or with both parents but some days with mother and some days with father? or your own happiness? if it’s your daughter then i think just learn to deal with it. if it’s your own happiness..then i guess you just leave and move on.
My priorities are my kids and I can not see them without father as he is a good father may not be a good husband. so, i gave up my own happiness and trying to live day by day. I work with him as how he’s feeling today. Is he in a drinking mood?..then I leave him alone. which he is most of the time. believe me it’s is a very hard decision to make especially you love that person and that person can’t give up there habits for us. I really want to see what everyone will answer here as I have the same question for myself.
I wish you all the best and hope you will make right choice that is best for you.
God bless you!
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July 5th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
What should you do? You’re married to an abusive alcoholic jerk who blames YOU for his behavior and you don’t know?
Then I will tell you. YOU LEAVE! Get that divorce, and move on!
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October 3rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
HI All, this is so sad. I am right now living with an abusive alcoholic. He is abusive to everyone in the house, his two sons and my daughter.
We are staying with his sons because he and I both lost our jobs.
He has never been a father to his sons… since we have lived here he has been a DRUNK ABUSIVE PIG to all of us. Especially me.
Last night he grabbed one of the kids friends arms and punched her. She is 17.
This afternoon his sons are making him leave and letting me and my daughter stay.
I had an Anxiety attack the other day and went to the hospital. They gave me some medicine to calm me down. I am going to need it today.
October 31st, 2009 at 4:56 am
I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 5 years. He is 55 and I am 54. We were high school sweethearts and had not seen each other for 35 years. He was, is and always be the love of my life. I have tried to do everything possible to be there for him, thinking if he could just see how much I love him he will want to change. I was not familiar with alcoholism or the term enabler. He is a daily drinker and loaded all day, especially by night. I have been called every disrepectful and hurtful name you can imagine. I have cried, I have tried to be supportive and understanding. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on rehab and medical bills. I was always sure that if I could just stay strong he would eventually wake up and see what a wonderful life we have. I have had unavoidable drunk talks with him, I have had to lock myself in another room to remove myself from the situation. I have seen him under such satanic influence from the alcohol. I have been his enabler. I made sure he had as much a perfect life as possible so he would know I loved him and he did not need to hide in the alcohol. His words have cut me through the heart. But I kept trying. because he trully is the love of my life. Last week he was drunk and couldn’t get in the house. he got a steel baseball bat and started yelling and cussing at me, then he proceeded to bat the windows out of the house then he started on my car. I have never been afraid of this man until that day. He swung the bat at me twice but through the intervention of God I fell out of the way. My thought was “this is how I am going to die” What would have happened if he had hit me? My funeral would have taken place early this week.He ran me out of my house(I own it) with a bat and threats to bash my head in if I did not leave, I went straight to the sheriffs office. I had no choice. This beloved man of mine had crossed the line and became seriously violent. The thing is IT HAPPENED WITH NO WARNING. I was in shock. I have talked with so many counsellors and DR.s and the story is all the same. Get Out. Once an alcoholic turns violent it will happen again and again until tragedy strikes. I love this man, but I am not willing to sacrifice my life for someone.s love of the high more than me. He has to face his consequences whatever they may be. If I don’t walk away and keep enabling him and giving him all the security he needs to be an addict, he has no chance. Use tough love and pray for the power of
God, and he can be whole. But not as long as you are standing in the way. This has been the hardest week of my life, and I am trying to move on. I love him enough to suffer the pain of walking away, and I can only keep praying in time he will be whole. He has been an addict for 40 years. The power of alcohol is horrible. It is mind altering in the worst form, and until an alcoholic has been sober for at least 6 months he cannot begin to comprehend the hurt and destruction it has cause so many people. They believe they are in control of the alcohol, but in fact the alcohol has total control of them. Pray and get out. You didn’t fail the alcoholic, he failed you. Things I am having to tell myself right now. Step back and concentrate on your healing, We both have a long road to recovery. God Bless