My 64 year old dad is an alcoholic and needs a place to live, he has lost everything and basically is homeless
living with an alcoholic wife February 6th, 20101st don’t say get him help, he will not take it, once he lived at a state park in his truck to avoid help for alchol but straightened up and started a business then drank it away…my father is 64, he used to have a successful business and wife and has drank it all away losing everything, now he only has 1 month left in his house before it forecloses and he and his dog are homeless… he will not accept any treatment yet he keeps hinting around about showing up at our doorstep jokingly but I know he is serious… I am 43 with a husband no children and we have the room but we do not want to support his way of life which is drinking constantly approx. 24 beers a day, and goes 3 days or more without eating.. what is a daughter to do?? He came to our small town at Thanksgiving and looks so sick and bad, shacking constantly and behaved himself nursing coffee and beer back from 6 am. until bedtime never getting drunk but you could tell he was miserable and it was miserable for us, uncomforat
The REAL problem is how to say NO to your dad, the man who loves and raised you, cared for you….and now in his time of desperation, how to care for him when he is so self-destructive.
In this case, YOU will have to be the tough-loving parent to him and his alcohol addicted ways. You still love him but you’ll have to set very tough standards for him to follow IF he will live with you.
You mustn’t let him off easy even for a minute – he’s battered and wrecked, he’s weak and vulnerable so he needs a strong leader – that is YOU – to lead him through his alcoholism.
Be well. And good luck.
February 7th, 2010 at 2:59 am
suicide is painless
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:14 am
nursing home they will help him
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:28 am
Be a good daughter and go fetch him another beer
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:34 am
You want to find someone who will give your drunk dad a home, on Y!A??
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:54 am
Unless he is willing to get help for his drinking, your taking him in would be pointless. I’d offer to take his dog though.
Could you arrange an intervention? If you haven’t already it might be worth a shot if there’s a few people who still care enough about him to come.
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February 7th, 2010 at 4:34 am
REHAB
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February 7th, 2010 at 5:19 am
Me and my dad have a beasemant and we wont charge
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February 7th, 2010 at 6:09 am
Don’t take him in! He’s survived this long he’ll keep going.
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February 7th, 2010 at 6:22 am
put him in rehab
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February 7th, 2010 at 6:35 am
It seems you want him to be safe, so you will decide to let him stay with you or pay his way and even his beer to keep him off the streets. Other than that, the only way to ensure he’s okay is to put him in a nursing home- if you can get the police convinced he’s a danger to himself.
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February 7th, 2010 at 7:15 am
try sending him to chemical treatment….where if he drinks he vomits immediately. It’s worth a shot (no pun intended.
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February 7th, 2010 at 7:59 am
Call your local dept. of health and human services. They can get him into a shelter and a rehab facility either on the county’s dime or the state’s.
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February 7th, 2010 at 8:45 am
I would allow him to stay with you *temporarily* but with the exception that he get treatment and only remains with you for a set amount of time. Once he has his drinking under control, hopefully he can get his finances together and find an apartment/house within his means.
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February 7th, 2010 at 8:53 am
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. I really wouldn’t recommend taking him into your home – it will never get better and might get a LOT worse. Your dad is 64 years old and is making his own (bad) choices every day. You don’t have to be part of that, and the less you help him, the more he’s likely to help himself.
You might want to check out a group called Al-Anon, for family members of alcoholics. It can really help you be loving but not co-dependent with people you love who are addicted.
Good luck – that’s a *really* difficult position to be in.
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February 7th, 2010 at 9:07 am
he has to help himself, you do not have the power to change anyone but yourself. you should not feel guilty or responsible for him. your situtation is a very hard one. you know yourself that you can not help him.
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February 7th, 2010 at 9:12 am
Ok, I see that he will decline help, which is fine.
Have you thought about seeing counseling? Your not crazy, but I think talking to someone about issues in life really helps.
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I have been to therapy. It was about my mother. I felt 80 percent better how to cope with her after my sessions ended.
30 yr old.
February 7th, 2010 at 9:18 am
you can let him die, or you can keep trying to get him to change. maybe when he has nowhere to go he will stop, and get help. there are many ways to help him, like AA and hospital and treatment centers. I was 40 and drinking a quart of vodka a day when I stopped, that was 24 yrs ago. my son drove me to a treatment center. you can only do your best and the odds are against him, but please keep trying
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February 7th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Ask him how you can help him. If he wants to move in with you, tell him he is welcome on the condition that he attends AA meetings, then attend those meetings with him until he is able to manage on his own and able to live independently.
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February 7th, 2010 at 10:27 am
He has not hit rock bottom. If you house him and tolerate his behavior, you are an enabler.
First, I would contact alanon in your area. This group helps relatives of alcoholics.
Personally, I wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my home and family. He will ruin your life as well.
He has made the choice to live this way. See what they tell you at alanon. Also, contact local homeless shelters to see what is available for him.
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February 7th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I would have to set dear old dad down and tell him the truth. You are not moving in with me. He is old and wise enough to care for himself. As a former business man he has chosen to slowly kill himself. You cannot raise your father, as you stated early he has no respect for you or your husband based on his Thankgiving visit. Sounds like he wore out his welcome at Thanksgiving. I would tell dad thanks for giving me a sample of what I will be getting if you moved in and tell him: I love you ….but, you have got to move on!
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February 7th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Well and intervention would help. Let him know how much you love him you hate to see him lose everything to a drug. If it doesn’t work tell him he will die and if he says it doesn’t care. Make sure he knows you love him and you obviously care about him. If he know how sincere and loving you are he will more likely do it. If that doesn’t work well this will be mean but tell the cops and have them take him away without charging.him with anything so he goes nuts in jail and breaks the habit
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Went through interventions with my brother
February 7th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I feel for you. I have alcoholics in my life. I was married to one. I made him get help but it never worked. I divorced him, he is 39 years old and lives with his parents and still drinks and doesn’t see or support his 2 small children. He doesn’t want to be an alcoholic. I know he knows he has a problem but he hasn’t hit bottom and won’t get the help he needs. He lives in his parents beautiful home so why should he quit drinking. He lost his wife, kids, countless jobs but still drinks. Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean they are bad people. I don’t think he is a bad person. I think he, like your dad, has a bad problem. I am telling you this because I agree with not to bother trying to make him get help. Why would he get better if you take him in your home and let him drink?
You have to say that you can’t help him. He needs to help himself. I don’t envy your position at all. You cannot let him in your home. You don’t want that enviornment. It can make you crazy. Your dad needs to be on his own.
I am very sorry. You aren’t a bad daughter if you don’t let him stay with you. You aren’t doing him any favors by letting him stay with you. You would be enabling him. Don’t enable him.
Maybe tell him you love him, but he is not welcome in your home while he is abusing alcohol.
Good luck.
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February 7th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
You said not to say to get him help – so I have no answer for you.
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February 7th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I have no advice but I know what you are going through. My dad was one of the worse drunks I have ever known. He was basically homeless towards the end. My husband and I let him live with us for a while as did my brother, it was good and bad. When he left us he moved down south and took a job in a motel as a maintenance man with room and board. After about 6 weeks we got the call that he passed away at 56 years old. I was actually glad he stayed with us for that time.
Maybe you can offer him to stay with you until he can get back on his feet, with a time limit. It would be better if someone could save his home for him from being foreclosed
Anyway I wish you the best
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February 7th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
BERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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February 7th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
1. Alcoholics Anonymous
2. talk to him about why he drinks so much and things that bother him, etc..
3. no matter what, if you stay supportive, they come through
4. take him in and put him in rehab (if its that hard for him, you know that show ‘intervention’?)
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
my uncle is the same way as your dad is he has no where to live he lives withe my 83yr old grandma and its really getting her down my grandma lived through and alcholic husband untillshe devoriced him because he was beating her up all the time.so you see its a no win sitituion my grandma is a very sick lady and she has to put up with my uncles misbehavings all the time.sometimes he has his good days and he also has his bad days.well i suggest you try your best with him and be a good daughter and look after him the best you can ok thats what my grandma is doing
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Tough Love.
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
your father is old enough to make his own choices as are you. be assertive and tell him you love him and will let him stay with you if he stops drinking, because it’s tearing you apart to see him like this. put the ball back in his court and quit feeling guilty for his actions.
i hope he chooses to get help and you both have a good relationship in the near future.
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February 7th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
he needs to hit bottom, and you can’t stop it or cushion his fall. if you love him anyway, you can only hope and pray that his bottom isn’t premature death. make no mistake, though, he’s killing himself. you’re 43 years old. you, your husband and your marriage don’t deserve that stress, and your husband is the most important man in your life now. tell him you cannot and will not support his way of life, and that he needs to get help for himself. you should get help for yourself, too. i recommend that you go to al-anon meetings (for people with addicted relatives).
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February 7th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Wow girl, you got alot on your shoulders. He can’t stay with you he really need to go to a rehab facility. When his house gets foreclosed on and he tries to come and live with you, and he will. Tell him he is more than welcome if he commits to treatment first. He will say no. I mean I could give you the basic run down of how this is going to play out, but I think you already know. If he is shaky and weak without it he is on a downward spiral. I am local bartender at a very small bar on an island. I wait on alot of older men about you fathers age they come in everyday, I mean everyday 365 days a year. I have watched many a man drink away his life, in fact one of my regulars is in the hospital right now and they say he won’t make it through the week, live failure. Sometimes I feel like a drug dealer and hate my job. Your father needs an eye opener. I bet he thinks no one cares or loves him anymore. I know that is not true but that doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is you can’t change someone unless they want to change. I am just scared you are going to get one of those dreaded phone calls. As for what to due there is no right choice. Follow your heart and beg him. Make sure he sees tears and caring. Make sure he gets how much his life means to you, because right now his life means nothing to himself.
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February 7th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
The REAL problem is how to say NO to your dad, the man who loves and raised you, cared for you….and now in his time of desperation, how to care for him when he is so self-destructive.
In this case, YOU will have to be the tough-loving parent to him and his alcohol addicted ways. You still love him but you’ll have to set very tough standards for him to follow IF he will live with you.
You mustn’t let him off easy even for a minute – he’s battered and wrecked, he’s weak and vulnerable so he needs a strong leader – that is YOU – to lead him through his alcoholism.
Be well. And good luck.
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