Is it fair to my children to stay married to an alcoholic? How old do they have to be before I leave?
married to an alcoholic July 2nd, 2009I have been married to an alcoholic for 18 years. His disease has become progressively worse. I have stayed in the marriage because of the children. I am lonely and depressed and feel too young to spend the rest of my life living like this! I put my children’s happines over my own. I ‘m beginning to believe maybe that’s not the best for all three of us. I’ve gone to counseling with him, he refuses to continue. He comes home drunk most nights. I need advice! I’m feeling hopeless as the years go by. I want to be happy for my children I want to live in a happy marriage. I no longer want to be married to this man.
Hi. I don’t have any advice for you on staying married or not as only you can make that decision. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you are not alone and you should continue to go to some sort of support group, even if he won’t go. I feel terrible that you’ve had to deal with this for 18 years, but commend you for trying to help him for the sake of your kids. My mom is in a similar situation, but she threatened to leave after he hit rock bottom and he eventually got himself cleaned up. I’m still nervous he may relapse, but I’m proud of him for trying. Not sure if you’ve already told him you would leave, but you should let him know you are serious about it. I would also find a place for you and your kids to stay for a few weeks and let him see what his life is like without you. It may push him into at least going back to counseling. Good Luck. My thoughts are with you.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:03 am
You need to look after yourself and your children. Get a lawyer, there are support groups for spouses of people with substance issues.
Protect your children and yourself!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 11:26 am
Yep, you are right……….you need to start to take care of yourself…be selfish……….you owe it to yourself.
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Lived with a heroine addict for 13 years, until the day she died from an overdose.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
then get out and take the children wtih you get a divorce and live your lives together…. My son was only 6 when I left my abusive EX husband and now I have met the most wonderful man of life and we are VERY VERY happy together and he makes me LAUGH all the time
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
the best advice i can give to you is get out now! don’t wait after 18 yrs. and he picks his choice of drink over you then it is time to get out.this will not help your kids to stay because they learn what they see.they will see nothing wrong with drinking and might see it is o.k. to be an enabler.good luck!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
DO NOT STAY WITH HIM!!! i grew up with an alocoholic mom..(different but the same) and i believe my life would’ve worked out better if we didn’t have the issue between us. if you don’t love him anymore…then do not put those kids through that. it does things to you that you won’t realize until later.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Have you tried to get help for your husband? Rehab? Church? Intervention? He needs help and your his wife…if this disease is making you miserable then you should do everything you can to help him. If your staying in the marriage for the kids sake then i’m assuming he is still a good father to them, right? They probably just want a sober father…my point again…get him help, whatever you have to do..before it’s too late.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
you answered yourself. the worse reason to stay is because of the kids. im surre they see whats going on, so why keep putting them through it? life is too short to be living the way you are. the longer you stay the more resentment will grow. if youre no longer happy in this marriage and know he wont change then you need to make the change and do it for you and the kids.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
did you really; your children have been dragged through this living hell; you can’t shield them within the home when this stuff is going on ; and you teach your children other things , not staying for a father b/c he still would be a father on the weekends or other times that you agreed with ; you teach your children what it is like to stay in a loveless marriage; to be subjected to abuse ; to not take a stand and to give your life to others for the wrong reasons; we all make mistakes but learn from them; get a back bone , I know that is harsh b/c it takes a back bone to crawl out of living hell; been there , done that ; good luck to you
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July 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
He doesn’t have the strength or motivation to change. The hopes for a happy marriage at the moment seem pretty unrealistic. It is his decision to get help, and to make the necessary changes. You can’t make him change.
The longer you stay, the more worn down you will become, and less able to care for your children.
One good parent is better than two broken parents.
You answered your own question. Time to go. Best wishes.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Get away from that alcoholic man, Take your children w/. you.and start a new life. Show to your children that you love them . In that way,you have peace of mind. Good luck…
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July 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
You’re not doing your children any justice by allowing them to grow up with an alcoholic parent. I stayed in a marriage for years with a husband that smoked marijuana and drank. I kept telling myself it was best for the children to keep the family together. When they got old enough to learn of his actions (by school friends) they asked me why I hadn’t left him. The kids and I discussed it and then started a new life. It was heaven after leaving him. The kids laughed more, I laughed more. The tension was gone, everyone was more relaxed and enjoyed life a lot more. They visited a sober Dad and are now actually much closer to him. They don’t see him drunk or stoned. I should have left years ago. Who knew?
Good luck to you and your children.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Don’t use your children as an excuse to stay. The only thing they learn from that, is it is ok to be like him or to marry someone like him. Set a better example of what a good spouse is and does for their family. Show your children that they can survive without an alcoholic. Show your children that you are strong and don’t need to settle for someone who can’t or won’t pull his own weight. By leaving him you make a stand for yourself and your children. Age is not a factor. Enough is enough when you say so. Good Luck!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Hi. I don’t have any advice for you on staying married or not as only you can make that decision. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you are not alone and you should continue to go to some sort of support group, even if he won’t go. I feel terrible that you’ve had to deal with this for 18 years, but commend you for trying to help him for the sake of your kids. My mom is in a similar situation, but she threatened to leave after he hit rock bottom and he eventually got himself cleaned up. I’m still nervous he may relapse, but I’m proud of him for trying. Not sure if you’ve already told him you would leave, but you should let him know you are serious about it. I would also find a place for you and your kids to stay for a few weeks and let him see what his life is like without you. It may push him into at least going back to counseling. Good Luck. My thoughts are with you.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I would leave for the well being of your family. Usually just as you are hurt by this relationship the kids are hurt as well. They are learning the patterns of an alcoholic and I sense this is not a pattern you want them to learn. Put yourself in their shoes… they see dad intoxicated, they see you upset, they have to interact with a man that may not be nice in his intoxicated state. I just do not see an environment in which they could be considered happy or safe. Please seek help for you and the kids.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
The best thing you can do for yourself and your children under these circumstances, is to end the marriage. Apparently your spouse has no plans to do anything about his problem. Don’t make yourself and your children suffer any longer because of his problem.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I would get out. If the man doesn’t want to help himself, there isn’t much you can do for him. You have tried.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Why did you marry him if its all been rubbish?
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July 2nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
No…it is not fair to the children. .All it is teaching them is that it is okay for a person to live like this, Get yourself out of this situation and get them out, it is the best thing you could ever do for them besides giving them life. . .
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July 2nd, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I am a nurse who cares for alcoholic patients and consequently I see their suffering families as well. I also have friends who grew up in alcoholic homes. Your husband has chosen alcohol over his family. Because of his physical addiction, he really cannot choose anything else. Marriages and families cannot work unless spouses are functional and on board. Your husband is ill. If he will not voluntarily check into a detox facility or accept any kind of help, you no longer have a choice. Alcoholics do not spontaneously recover without detox, therapy, and support. Do not stay because of your children. You won’t be doing them ANY favors. Please contact a support group for families of alcoholics. Have a consultation with a good lawyer. Understand your finances and protect your assets. Ask your husband if he’s willing to commit himself to detox/rehab. Tell him you will not enable him to live like this any more. If he refuses, denies, puts you off……..you have your answer and know you have tried but you need to protect your children and their psyches. Children of alcoholics will often choose an impaired spouse. I have seen it happen over and over. God bless you!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I was married to an alcoholic. He was 42 and I was 44. He stayed sober 3 months to lead me to believe he could quit at any time. One week after we married he got drunk, then stayed drunk most of the time. Four months in to the marriage I became pregnant. I told him if you get drunk 1 time after this babies born your ass is out of here. My son was four days old, when he went to celebrate with the guys he had a son. His stuff was packed on a Friday and he was taken to his mothers (by the police i might add), Monday morning I went down and got a protective order keeping him away from myself, and my son. Monday afternoon I was in the attorney’s office filling out papers for divorce, and permanent custody of my son. As I told the attorney I married an alcoholic, I got pregnant, that’s my problems, as far as child support I don’t expect any, he can’t even take care of himself.All I want is total custody of my son, so he will never be able to take him out of my sight, That’s your problem. It took 2 years to get the divorce final. I got full custody, he got state supervised visitation rights. I got $200.00 month support, with him to pay half daycare, medical, & education. He paid very little. Five years ago he sobered up for about 4 months, He wanted to see his son whom he hadn’t seen in over a year. He had so ruined his body by then with the drinking that he had a massive heart (1 & only) attack which took his life. My son doesn’t know his father except what a great man he was, he sees videos from when daddy did hold him & play with him, he’s told daddy’s heart hurt so much that God called him home, so he’s in heaven with Jesus. I accepted what I got involved in, but imagine how it is for the children. If you are at your wits end, how do you think they feel? Most woman in this situtation are afraid to leave due to financial situtations, or fear. Believe me with out having to support this man (which I’m sure you are doing) you will be better off in the long run. I don’t think you put your children’s happiness before your own, You’ve put this man’s happiness before all of you. Stop the insanity now. You’ll always get, what you’ve always got, if you always do, what you’ve always done. Alcoholism IS NOT a disease; it is a sin which is willfully committed by a selfish person. It is true it’s not easy to break the psychological and physical addiction, but all one has to do is stay away from alcoholic beverages. If one can exercise control the "disease" can disappear overnight. Adultery is another sin, just because it’s a habit hard to break do we label it as a disease also. Think on these things. If you need help e-mail me.
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Been there, done that.. Sorry to be so hard at a time like this, but some times you have to shake a person to wake them up.
Please feel free to email me if you need support. Hug! Hug!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 pm
You can divorce him based on the three A’s – Addiction, Abuse or Adultery. He is obviously addicted. You must take your children with you and protect them from him. If you do this you have every right to leave. You must raise those kids and NOT date. When the youngest is 18 you can date and begin a life of your own again.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Please do whatever you can to persuade him to seek help. There are organisations (like A.A., clinical psychologists, a lot of bible believing Churches) that have much experience in using Cognitive Therapy.These experienced groups look in detail to see what ‘core’ values, the client may have, that almost trap and make them want to drink ,even though they know that it is destroying their family. The work is done 99% of the time with their spouses co-operation and attendence.
The Cognitive Therapy method has an excellent success rate when followed correctly.
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